Half-Life

Half-life. In school I found the study of decay of atoms interesting. Listening to this scientist explain how they knew for certain a dinosaur was a certain age, or how long nuclear waste would remain destructive for. Then we find out, oh well maybe that study was wrong or off because the understanding of a half-life of an atom was misunderstood when the original calculations were made. There is certainly rhyme and reason to this study, but also a bit of debate with it as well. At the end we are closer to the conclusion then we were the day before.

What have you done with half of your life? How many people have come and gone in that time? How many times have you moved careers? How many new hobbies have you picked up? How many things have you learned about? How many things have remained constant? What has changed in that time?

The little boy who has come to live with us has now, as of today lived more than half of his life with us. He has learned lots of things like the art of babbling. He loves to turn and roll and roll and turn (not yet crawling but that it just around the corner). He stands for three or more seconds. He can hold his own bottle now even though he much prefers to have someone do it for him. He has hit so many milestones in this half of his life. He has started eating solids and gotten pretty good at letting those end up in his mouth and not all over everything around him. He has learned to play, holding his shaker, making it count and tell him colors.

Another 4 months (which is how long he has been with us) and he will be at the one year mark. The things that he has accomplished are nothing in comparison to what he will have a chance to accomplish. It has been a pleasure to be a part of his growth. What will the next four month be like?

I cannot say with any certainty what it will be like, what we may encounter. I do know that my half-life of being a foster parent continues to change as I get a better picture of what it is like. After a rather negative interaction this past week Cheryl was told by our worker that fostering is a thankless job. The problem that we have is we do not look at it like a job, it is our life. We are living and breathing and do not look for thanks, but rather human decency. I cannot say with any certainty what it will be like, what we may encounter but I do feel like I have a better understanding of what our half-life as foster parents is like.

Thank you for reading. There will be much more to come in the coming days as a few looming thing become more clear.

Meltdown

Meltdown… what causes a meltdown. I know for me, I have one when I don’t get my way, or when I have not gotten enough sleep or maybe even when the people in my life that I really like pay attention to someone else. I dislike greatly when people leave me for extended periods of time. How am I going to cure all of these things? Let others know that I disapprove. Throw my hands up and my head back. Yell loudly until whatever it is that I do not want or like ends. Meltdowns are the best way to get my point across. Why? Because I only know “hi”, “bye”, and “Marley” (which sounds a lot like barley). People don’t get my other words. They don’t pick up on my body language because, well, I have not learned those things. I cannot communicate what I want, what I need, what I feel. Still I need to communicate. I need someone to hear me and take care of my needs. I need the chance to ace experiences and be part of things. I need attention. I need love. I need structure. I need care. Meltdowns are my way to communicate because the other ways that I have tried in the past have not been good enough. They have not gotten the point across. I know that if I make a big enough deal out of something someone will catch on and finally understand. Why can’t you understand me without me taking things to the extreme? Why won’t you pay all of your attention just to me? Why won’t you stay with me all of the time? Why don’t you know that I need more sleep? Why can’t it always be my way? Why can’t people know that I do not trust or believe without this extreme form of communication? My world works for me because I have learned the meltdown. But isn’t there another way?

As foster parents we are given the weight of all the children’s past. We do not fully know what has been. Each day is a new experience. We try our hardest and make wonderful gains. We wish we could know all of their cues and their needs. We wish we could be there all of the time and still give them social experiences and interactions that help them develop appropriately. We draw conclusions based on what we see and what we hear, but do not know if we are right or if we are wrong in our assumptions. The meltdown is especially difficult because it is a universal expression of need, but for what? and at what time? for how many? can we get it right this time.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Planned Meetings

CFT planned for Monday, cancelled by CPS. Monthly home visit planned for this evening cancelled by CPS both within two hours of the meeting time. We have come to start to try and accept that we can only do what we can do what we can do. The system and it’s moving parts move the way they move and trying to alter it is too taxing. As always we pledge to write about our experiences through this journey and it seems like an awful lot of what we write about is the system it’s self. We cannot remove it from our journey. On the bright side; two precious little ones are sound asleep at 7:45 pm on their 116 day in our lives. Lives that are forever changed by them. Thanks for taking the time to read this short blurb.

Shared Words

Every evening before we put our little lady down to sleep we sing to her. Lots children songs that we know off the top of our head but one special song for Cheryl and I; The Candle Song. It is special because it was one of the songs we had chosen for the exit music at the end of our wedding. Our very special choir friends – Jess and Julia and Susan and Margie at least a dozen pre-mass choir practices singing this song with us and on our special day sang these words to us as we left as wife and husband.

There is a candle in every soul, Some brightly burning, some dark and cold, There is a Spirit who brings fire, Ignites a candle and makes His home. Carry your candle, run to the darkness, Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn, Hold out your candle for all to see it, Take your candle, and go light your world, Take your candle, and go light your world, Frustrated brother, see how he’s tried to, Light his own candle some other way, See now your sister, she’s been robbed and lied to, Still holds a candle without a flame.

Carry your candle, run to the darkness, Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn, Hold out your candle for all to see it, Take your candle, and go light your world, Take your candle, and go light your world, We are a family whose hearts are blazing, So let’s raise our candles and light up the sky, Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus, Make us a beacon in darkest times.

Carry your candle, run to the darkness, Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor, Hold out your candle for all to see it, Take your candle, and go light your world, Carry your candle, run to the darkness, Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn, Hold out your candle for all to see it, Take your candle, and go light your world, Take your candle, and go light your world.

On the words “we are a family whose hearts are blazing, so let’s raise our candles and light up the sky,” I was brought back down to earth and helped remember the reason Cheryl and I have taken on this journey. See this had been an end to a less than uplifting day. The following are words shared with us by our CPS worker’s supervisor.

“I want to step in here and add a few things as I see an ongoing concern…

It is my understanding that this is your first case with kiddos from care. With that being said, a lot of this stuff as far as services and involvement of various agencies will be new to you. I don’t believe it is miscommunication rather a lack of understanding. Sometimes, there are so many facets to a case that we may not even know all of the areas that need to be resolved until assessments take place. You are doing the right thing by asking questions but blaming and pointing fingers doesn’t get anywhere. I can sense your frustration with the case, but I guarantee that it is common and takes a while to understand. Different cases end up with different services which is why a lot of “back and forth” happens. Sometimes insurance will cover things such as a developmental pediatrician and sometimes, it needs to be referred out and we have to see how we can get different services in place. Other times, it has to be court ordered by the judge before it will be covered. Nothing is able to happen overnight and as the case manager addresses the issues, she is also able to get a better understanding, herself, of the case. Nothing is black and white with cases and often, we don’t have all of the answers ourselves; however, our job is to find answers even if it takes a while.

I know it is not always convenient having so many appointments; however, not all children come into care without needing additional services. I have a concern that maybe we need to involve your licensing specialist to ensure that you are receiving the support and possible further education from them as well. Can you please provide that information to (Case workers name has been deleted), if you haven’t already done so, so that we can address some of this with them? I think (the case worker’s name has been deleted) is doing well in trying to keep you up to date with as much information as she has herself; however, moving forward seems to be a bit difficult because there are small facets to the issues that are being presented through email which are being construed in negative ways. Thank you,”

The words of the Candle Song ring through the condensation and threatening tone to remind us that we have been sent forth. We are not perfect people and the only way we fail is to allow ourselves to do so. We refuse to believe “it is common and takes a while to understand “ that we should left out and not be included. We refuse to believe “it is common and takes a while to understand” that phone correspondence should take weeks to return. I refuse to believe “it is common and takes a while to understand” that if we question how things are proceeding we should be threatened to “involve our licensing specialist.” We refuse to believe “it is common and takes a while to understand” that the testing to decide whether or not specific services should or should not be provided needs to take more and 110 days to set up. We refuse to believe “it is common and takes a while to understand” that this is the best there can be for these children.

Obviously I am far too emotionally vested with the well-being of these children, but I know no other way.

Thank you for taking the time to read again about our journey.

Communication?

“Cheryl,

We are here at the 11:30 CFT, just wondering if you aren’t able to make it, if you can be on the phone. Linda left you a voice mail with the number.”

Meeting, wait, what did I miss a meeting? How is that possible? No, it is not on my schedule and this Linda? who is that? Panic drew over me as I read this email at 11:50 (which had been sent at 11:45). Phone number? what number?

Nope that email was the first correspondence that we received on the matter. After boiling things down and finding out that CPS had been corresponding with another agency and had not included us in the scheduling of the meeting.

Cut to 8:30 this morning. My phone rings and by the caller I.D. I see it is the person who transports the children to and from their visits. “On my way to your home to pick up the boy”, says the worker. “Be there in fifteen minutes.” (what wait… the last time he stayed home he did not go to the visit. He will not be ready for her when she gets there.

Again, correspondence between others and the CPS worker occurred without communicating with us and all this within the last nineteen hours. It feels like this is the rule and not the exception to the rule when it comes to our interactions with this government agency. We are happy to chip in and help out. We want to be amenable and part of the team of people giving services to these children.

Things always seem to work out. The CFT is scheduled for next Monday. I was able to get the information in before the aid arrived at my home to pick up the little one. With all of this, we feel very much like outsiders. Even though the care and supervision comes from us, we are not part of the communication tree. No idea what has to be done in order for that to happen, but things cannot function like this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this bump in our journey.

April Fools

April fools…

I am not much into pranks, to me they seem to be just mean hearted. Maybe this means I lack a sense of humor? Whatever the case may be, every year I hope this day goes by without incident, without a joke at my expense.

It is interesting the more we talk with our friends and wide range of acquaintances just how many people who have taken on the task of foster care. Everyone seems to have a, unique experience in some regards. However, the accounts of experience with the system itself seem to be strangely similar. I remember hearing some of the many stories before taking on foster care and dismissing them, thinking “it will be different because Cheryl and I will handle the situation in our own way that will somehow avoid that situation.” Yep arrogant! We have not been apt to make better choices to have a different experience. The system lends its self to giving the same experience over and over.

So how does the first paragraph have anything to do with the second? It feels like many of the experiences that we have had up to this point with the system are part of some type of elaborate April fools joke. Like the non-responsiveness was meant to evoke humor. The constant illnesses wear fabricated. The entitlement of the birth family was a hoax. The turtle like movement for services provided was intended to build drama. The hands off approach of a licensing agency leant itself to snickers. There is no way that this is how these two little ones and thousands of other innocent children could be treated right, it must be an April fools joke. I know the CPS workers love these children. It must be an April fools joke. I know the services are out there and will make a world of difference for them. It must be an April fools joke. I know that the licensing agency advocates for the protection of these children. It must be an April fools joke. I know the birth family loves them… it must be!

I don’t have an answer as to what could make things better. It seems as though every party involved has its own part but those parts don’t make a whole. Cheryl and I will continue to try our best and know our lives are blest on this April 1st 2014.

Thanks for reading.