Two Will Become One, Most Likely?

At the end of April Cheryl and I had our monthly visit by our case workers for both of our kiddos.  The workers had agreed to both meet at the same time because they were coming from the same office and would be able to use the car pool lane in rush hour traffic.  It worked well for us also because it combined two meetings into one.

The monthly visits are for the purpose of the workers having contact with the kiddos.   They can see them in Cheryl and I’s home and also so they can ask about the progress of the kiddos.  There is a form of questions that we go through and by this point we know the questions that will be asked so things run pretty smoothly.  The worker for our younger kiddo went first.  Everything has been progressing well for her and the conversation went quickly.  Then the worker for our older kiddo’s worker went and we reported the same type of progress we had seen in past months.

At the end, the older kiddo’s worker told us that by the end of May he would be going to live with relatives.  The worker told us that she did not have more details for us, but that she would let us know as the time got closer.  It is good news for him as it is a mid-step back to his home.  As always, it is hard on Cheryl and I.

In the last two weeks, we have heard no further news about when the transfer will happen.  We understand that the logistics take a lot to hammer out and that it all does not happen overnight.  Still, it is hard to feel like we are an afterthought to the communication loop.

On a side note, our kiddo who went to live with his dad in early April will be coming over this weekend to visit.  We had hoped he could visit for his sister’s birthday, but schedules did not work out.  We are excited because our now oldest placement still asks where his playmate is and when he might see him.  Transitions are so hard for these kiddos.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!

Change Without Annoucement

In a moment things seem to change without announcement.

As I wrote in an earlier post, our normal respite family who takes our kiddos when we need child care took on other responsibilities and is no longer available to us.  Last weekend we had a chance to meet a new respite family.  They can only take the baby (so we will need another family for the boys).  They live in Mesa, which is on the other side of the valley from us.  We drove to their home last Sunday and met with them.  They are a nice couple, married around the same time as us, hospitable.  They told us many of their experiences within the system.  Getting to hear their accounts and stories of the goods and bads of fostering (they have actually adopted one child) was an interesting re-affirmation that at the very least Cheryl and I are not taking crazy pills and living in some other reality.  In addition to getting to hear their own story we also had a chance to see where the baby will sleep and eat and all of the other things.  Sometimes sudden change can lead to an unexpected surprise.  We will have to a chance to meet the other respite family this coming weekend.

Just the other morning I woke up to the fussy sounds of the baby wanting her morning change and meal.  Most mornings she is up before the boys and this morning was no different.  I went into her room and she was still half sleeping.  Because she was still half asleep I left her in her crib while I picked out her outfit for the day.  Daycare always asks us to send her in “footsies” because of her protest to keeping on shoes and socks.  That morning I chose a “onesie” and pants.  I remember looking through the selection and the many messages on the front “Daddy’s Favorite”, “Mommy Loves me”, “Mommy’s Favorite” and so on and so forth, so many of the baby clothes that the many stores out there carry have person specific messages.  On this this particular morning it had a picture of a whale a something about how Daddy loved her.  So many things have changed in the kiddos lives since they have come to live with us.  Keeping them focused on hitting their developmental stages is important to us.  After court this last week we have to keep that in mind the most.  It is not a competition to make the cute clothes ring true but about helping her learn to walk and getting the boys to learn to use the potty.

In the meantime… we will look forward to the changes that happen suddenly and sometimes without announcement.  Thanks for reading.

Two in Two

Paperwork.  I think I made more than a few comments about the paperwork as we went through the pre fostering time.  It was extensive and tedious and extensive and tedious.  Once we had completed the classes and the home study and had kiddos in our home one would have thought, maybe, that paperwork would be all done.  However… we have chopped down another forest worth of paper since then.  New paperwork is required.  Car registration and health forms…

Notice to Provider.  In order to take foster children to see a doctor, or to daycare, or physical therapy, or most other places one may need to go, a foster parents needs to have a thing called a “Notice to Provider”.  This is just a simple piece of paper which states that we are responsible for them.  The interesting thing is, you don’t necessarily know when you might need another copy of it.  Being the brilliant thinker I am J I scanned the NTP and created a PDF which I sent to myself.  In one case we were able to use the email only in the many other times this form still needed to be in paper.  On more than a few occasions we found ourselves re-printing.

Documentation.  So many things need to be documented from monthly visits by CPS to doctors and physical therapy visits, and even the bumps and scrapes kiddos learning to crawl and walk receive.  If it happened and someone somewhere else might want to hear about or know about it the thing needs to be documented.  Luckily in many cases these pages and papers could be virtual and passed along through fax or through email.  A little bit of documentation at the time of any interaction goes a long way in making things run a whole lot more smoothly.  The most interesting thing is that even after the kiddos leave your care more documentation may still be needed/required.

Certificates.   Depending on the level of knowledge you have of Arizona’s foster care system you may or may not be aware that foster parents need to be licensed (which is not a bad thing).  You also may or may not know that foster parents need to complete trainings throughout the time in order to renew this license.  And you also may or may not know that even though the license is good for two years half of the required hours is due within the first ten months.  The tricky part for those with kiddos in the home, many of the trainings are not children friendly (meaning that while the adult needs to be there most trainings do not have a place for the kiddos to be).  This is especially difficult two foster parents who work full time.  Luckily for us some of the time can be done online.  We will hit our needed hours by the end of the day.

Two posts in two days; seems like this might be the calm before the storm.  Still no idea what lies ahead of us.  Thank you all for the many kind words and for taking the time to read.

Empty Nesting…

Being an “empty nester” in your thirties is interesting to say the least.  It is not like our little ones grew up and went to college.  They won’t come home on the holidays.  They do not call and we cannot write.  It would feel weird to say that they have “passed” since we know that they are moving on into their lives.  The empty rooms still sit empty; beds/c ribs neatly made and ready to be slept in.  Toys still lay in their cupboards even though there is no one there to play with them.

One thing I can say for certain is the last 21 days (the amount of time they have lived away from us now), there is a lot of empty time.  Not really lacking in things to do because we always have things to do.  No, the time from 4:00 to 7:30 was family time.  Eating, playing, singing to bed… no more.  We find plenty of things to fill the time, but it is different.

A few days back Cheryl texted the kiddo’s mom and found out they are doing well, lots of good interactions through text.  Cheryl and I may even get to spend some time with them sometime this upcoming weekend.  I guess that it is a wait and see sort of thing, but at the very least it was a relaxing idea that things are going well at their home.

This last week Cheryl and I took a much need vacation together.  It was a vacation we started planning well before we knew the little ones would be out of our home.  On this vacation, we had a good chance to reconnect.  Connection is one thing that we found difficult to do as a new parenting couple.  Never enough time for it, but one thing that we found on our time away is that we have a good connection.  We spent lots of time experiencing new things and meeting many new people.  For our future this connection needs to be paramount.

On the fourth evening of our vacation we were at the dining room table and the waiting staff sang “That’s Amore”, such a romantic song for so many.  We had a tradition of singing the kiddos to bed and one of the “fave five” was “That’s Amore” for Little Man.  I looked at Cheryl and saw the sadness in her eyes.  We held hands and shared a moment missing our little ones.  After the song the people we were eating with asked something like “did you get something in your eye” and Cheryl responded (keeping that moment for just the two of us) “yes”.

We had spent time before the meal talking about what our next steps would be.  After the dinner we switched from “what” to “when”.  Knowing we could do nothing while away from home we enjoined the remainder of our vacation, still time for laughter and fun.  This morning (now a few days removed from our vacation) we are placing our names back on the “placement list”.  We are not looking to replace the kiddos.  There is no replacement for them in our hearts.  No, just as they are moving on to another part of their journey so are we.  Our roads have left each other, but the wears of our journey together will continue on for both sets.  Cheryl and I are confident that our hearts are still large enough for places for others.  We do not know where our path is headed, but today seems to be a new day.

Six Work For You?

Oh goodness, it is almost 6 am… why so late I am going to be la… no not today.  Today there is no work.  I remember now.  Court.  No cries from the baby monitor and Cheryl still lays sleeping.  Before heading into the bathroom I wake her up and tell her it is six.  Time to get up and face the day.

After a few minutes of tending to myself I look again, no fussy sounds from the monitor.  Cheryl is up and getting ready now as I start the normal routine, but today is not normal.  I make a bottle for our little guy.  Make sure the dining area is ready for our little lady and still the monitor has no peeps.

Well it is already late so I will get him up.  Into Amory’s room I go to the sight of a sleeping baby.  I turn on the corner light and get his outfit for the day.  Still, a sleeping baby.  He can sleep for a few more minutes.  Walk back into the front room and Cheryl is on my “kitchen prepping” heels.  She has everything set.

“Should I get him up”, I ask as Cheryl walks past me an into Arianna’s room.  She is on her way to get Arianna dressed and ready for the day.  “Yes” is the answer spoken without words

Back in Little Man’s room to a sleeping baby.  Rub his back gently and wake him up.  His eyes are heavy and groggy, but open.  Laid down on the changing table with a stuffed Nemo.  Diaper changed.  Turquoise bottoms and matching monster truck top.  Socks and then his J’s are next.  Up and out to the front room for a smaller than usual bottle.

Little Man grabs his bottle and shoves it in.  Not enough time.  He drinks like there is no tomorrow.  About two-thirds of the way through, the bottle is pulled out with one arm, proudly.  Drip, drip, drip he smiles up at me while spilling the remaining milk.  Time to go.

Strapped into the car seat.  Ups a daisy, ups a little baby.  Yes one arm and the next.  Then buckled a crossed and through the legs.  All tight and ready to go to daycare.  Ah… our day friends – Zoe and Becca and Susan.

We drive to daycare and off the two little ones get dropped.  “Zoe, today might be their last day with you.” … “What, why?”  so much love and care from the regulars at daycare.   She has seen many more regulars come and go and even though she doesn’t say it, I almost feel like she understands it better than even Cheryl I understand it.  Oh little man crawls and plays and then starts to fuss.  I put out both of my hands and he uses them to stand up.  We walk (with me holding both hands) first one way across the room and then the other.  “Say bye bye” we ask him as we leave and Amory waves proudly with his perfect little hands.

We leave and before we know it, time to head to court.  Juvenile court in Phoenix is close to downtown (maybe four miles as the crow flies).  We make our way there and arrive more than a half hour early to a packed parking lot.  We get inside passed security and find out that the hearing will be on the second floor, third room so up we head.  We sit down right outside the court room with about fifteen minutes to spare and see the kiddo’s mom.  Cheryl had made a photo book for the kids and gave it to their mom at that time.

A little while later the case worker arrives and briefly talks to us and then to the children’s mom and then heads into the court room.  Close to a fifteen minutes after the scheduled start of the hearing we are called in.  Cheryl and I choose to sit in about the same area we had in previous hearings.  It is certainly interesting to see what Hollywood images of a court room is and then what we sat in.  Same basic ideas, but a much smaller space.  Guess I have seen My Cousin Vinny a few too many times.  The proceedings occur, lots of things were discussed and decisions made.

Outside of the court room we go.  “Six, will six work for you?”  I asked the kiddos mom.  “Sure,” he hesitated.  How are we going to get all of their things packed?  How are we going to get them home in time to spend some time?  How are we going to communicate with the people we need to communicate with?  Who needs to be called and in what order?  My mind raced with all of these questions as we made our way out to an almost empty parking lot.  We had just six hours.

Cheryl’s mom was the first person we called.  “They are going home.”  Then the daycare, “we will pick them up right after nap time”.  Then Cheryl’s dad and sister and brother and case aid.  Oh goodness so many people who need to know what’s up.  We finally got home with the phone tree called and start packing.  What do they need?  What should we pack?  Into one suite case we put a weeks’ worth of diapers for Amory along with two weeks or tops, bottoms, coats, shoes and a few other things,  all of which I think of as Amory’s things.   Into a second suite case goes the same type of things for Arianna.  And into a third suite case a whole bunch of their very favorite toys.  I remember reading another blog or posting somewhere about how when children were transferred their things were transferred in trash bags.  A few weeks before we had been told to expect a transfer and had made the decision to transfer giving our own luggage.  We packed a box of things for the daycare as well.  As we are finishing packing Becky pulls in.

Off to daycare we go.  We drop off a few items that we want the daycare to have and up we pick Amory.  Zoe and Becca both get a good chance to say a goodbye.  “Cheryl, you bring us more when you are ready,” Zoe suggests.  Then we went into the two year olds room we go to pick up Arianna.  She proudly hollers “bye” loud enough for all of the daycare to hear.

Back home we drive.  We played the many different ways we have loved to play the past 282 days together.  Becky got to say good bye.  Coco and Marley and Curley got to say goodbye.  Jerry and Martha got to say goodbye.  About three hours of memories.  We took them to their mom and too we said goodbye.

Our puzzle and journey does not end here although we do not know what will be next.  Cheryl and I know we are forever changed because of these two little ones.  Six hours was not used to exit them from our lives; they will always live within us.

Retrival Day Instructions

Short video of the nurse giving Cheryl instructions on the day of retrival