Curveball

We had a typical monthly visit from our worker last Friday.  This was the first time she had come to our home since the kiddos have come into our care (46 days).  She had to meet earlier than I could make it home for the whole meeting.  By the middle of her visit, I walked into the on going conversation.  By that point the worker had expressed to Cheryl that she need to know by September 8th weather we would adopt the kiddos.  As I said, we have only known them for about six weeks.  We have done very little in the way of discerning and have been concentrating a lot more on LR’s case.  We spent a lot of time over the weekend talking about it.  We know we can’t force a feeling in that short amount of time.  Instead, we are going to respond that we are open to building a relationship with the kiddos and are willing to consider making adoption.  We thought we had more than a year to make this decision with how the courts had been talking.  Changes may be on the way for the Covert’s because if our response is not what the case worker is looking for than she may disrupt placement.  Never a  dull moment.

What Would You Do?

About two weeks ago our new placement kiddos were assigned a new case aid and parent aid.  These workers are responsible for dropping off and picking up the placement and for monitoring parent/child interaction.  They also work with the parent(s) on a slew of skills needed for parenting.  They play an important role in successful re-unification.

We have had a few interactions (phone calls and texts) with the case aid.  She is a bit short however we are understanding.  The situation (and reason for the post’s title) lies in interactions with our daycare workers.  On Monday it was reported to them that every time the kiddo’s are picked up the younger smells.  Yesterday the case aid came during a meal time.  The daycare worker tried to give the case aid a piece of toast (not jellied toast, just bread that had been toasted).  The kiddo started to freak out because when the worker refused.  She finally let him take back his food and made a comment to our daycare worker that she was just going to get him into the car and take the food away.  Then this morning when dropping our two infants off we were told by our the infant worker (a third worker reporting) that the case aid is very rude to her.

We love our daycare and also believe that the kiddo’s deserve a chance to be with their parents.  Cheryl and I do not want our daycare to become disillusioned of us because of poor treatment of others.  We also do not want a case aid who is short with us for reporting poor, unprofessional behavior.  I personally am leaning towards ignoring the reported problems until the lack of professional behavior is directed at me or Cheryl.  The problem that I have with that plan is the poor treatment of hard workers.  Also, my fear that the poor treatment is also present to the kiddos when we are not around.

What would you do?

Update Following Court

Very quick update.

Today we had a court date scheduled for LR.  This was a pre-trial conference and we were told by the DCS worker and the GAL that there would be requesting a change in the case plan.  Instead of the proposed agenda we found a new judge.  The judge continued all of the agenda items because they are retiring soon and since there would be a new judge for the remaining parts of the case they pushed all of the items to August.    So in a short statement, the update that I alluded to before actually did not occur.

On another note “LR” stands for “little roo” like “kangaroo”.  Thanks for reading and the large amounts of continued support we receive.

Two Will Become One, Most Likely?

At the end of April Cheryl and I had our monthly visit by our case workers for both of our kiddos.  The workers had agreed to both meet at the same time because they were coming from the same office and would be able to use the car pool lane in rush hour traffic.  It worked well for us also because it combined two meetings into one.

The monthly visits are for the purpose of the workers having contact with the kiddos.   They can see them in Cheryl and I’s home and also so they can ask about the progress of the kiddos.  There is a form of questions that we go through and by this point we know the questions that will be asked so things run pretty smoothly.  The worker for our younger kiddo went first.  Everything has been progressing well for her and the conversation went quickly.  Then the worker for our older kiddo’s worker went and we reported the same type of progress we had seen in past months.

At the end, the older kiddo’s worker told us that by the end of May he would be going to live with relatives.  The worker told us that she did not have more details for us, but that she would let us know as the time got closer.  It is good news for him as it is a mid-step back to his home.  As always, it is hard on Cheryl and I.

In the last two weeks, we have heard no further news about when the transfer will happen.  We understand that the logistics take a lot to hammer out and that it all does not happen overnight.  Still, it is hard to feel like we are an afterthought to the communication loop.

On a side note, our kiddo who went to live with his dad in early April will be coming over this weekend to visit.  We had hoped he could visit for his sister’s birthday, but schedules did not work out.  We are excited because our now oldest placement still asks where his playmate is and when he might see him.  Transitions are so hard for these kiddos.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!

Change Without Annoucement

In a moment things seem to change without announcement.

As I wrote in an earlier post, our normal respite family who takes our kiddos when we need child care took on other responsibilities and is no longer available to us.  Last weekend we had a chance to meet a new respite family.  They can only take the baby (so we will need another family for the boys).  They live in Mesa, which is on the other side of the valley from us.  We drove to their home last Sunday and met with them.  They are a nice couple, married around the same time as us, hospitable.  They told us many of their experiences within the system.  Getting to hear their accounts and stories of the goods and bads of fostering (they have actually adopted one child) was an interesting re-affirmation that at the very least Cheryl and I are not taking crazy pills and living in some other reality.  In addition to getting to hear their own story we also had a chance to see where the baby will sleep and eat and all of the other things.  Sometimes sudden change can lead to an unexpected surprise.  We will have to a chance to meet the other respite family this coming weekend.

Just the other morning I woke up to the fussy sounds of the baby wanting her morning change and meal.  Most mornings she is up before the boys and this morning was no different.  I went into her room and she was still half sleeping.  Because she was still half asleep I left her in her crib while I picked out her outfit for the day.  Daycare always asks us to send her in “footsies” because of her protest to keeping on shoes and socks.  That morning I chose a “onesie” and pants.  I remember looking through the selection and the many messages on the front “Daddy’s Favorite”, “Mommy Loves me”, “Mommy’s Favorite” and so on and so forth, so many of the baby clothes that the many stores out there carry have person specific messages.  On this this particular morning it had a picture of a whale a something about how Daddy loved her.  So many things have changed in the kiddos lives since they have come to live with us.  Keeping them focused on hitting their developmental stages is important to us.  After court this last week we have to keep that in mind the most.  It is not a competition to make the cute clothes ring true but about helping her learn to walk and getting the boys to learn to use the potty.

In the meantime… we will look forward to the changes that happen suddenly and sometimes without announcement.  Thanks for reading.

A Valentine Mix-Up

Cheryl and I are involved in a number of things in our community both professionally and within the community at large.  Much of the time we are able to be a part of these groups within the context of our day, while the kiddos are at day care or while one of us is able to be at home with them as the other is not.  When the community group involves both Cheryl and I we have two options 1)’ making sure it is family friendly and we all go 2) finding care takers to take the kiddos for the time.  When it is the second option it is not as easy as picking up the phone and asking this family member or that close friend because the care givers have to have a minimal amount “security clearance”.

One such event (with option two) is coming up this weekend, yes over Valentine ’s Day.   Knowing of our needs Cheryl and I asked our licensing agency to help us find respite care way back at the end of December.  We had all the kiddos scheduled to go to our usual home.  About a week and a half ago our licensing agency emailed us telling us that the family we had scheduled with were no longer available and we were out of luck.

What did that mean for Cheryl and I?  Scramble time.

With only about two weeks before a Friday evening, all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday what type of person could we ask?  That short of notice over a weekend when something special is going on we will have to ask someone to re-arrange their plans.  So to answer the question we could only ask people who we thought would be forgiving that we would ask on such short notice and would still be willing to help out.  We reached out to our Engaged Encounter group (the community group we will be involved in this weekend), however because of the specialness of the weekend all group members are in the same boat as we are, helping with the weekend.  After them we had a short list of people and finally found our saving couple Crystal and Scott Bott who, because of the job backgrounds, meet the “security clearance” and were wonderful enough to rearrange their time so we can be there for 30 engaged couples.

One large topic that I don’t think Cheryl or I talk about enough on here is the need for personal and community time.  As we have gone through our baby puzzle journey some times that need gets pushed to the back burners.  There is always another diaper to change, another sippy cup to fill, another boo-boo to kiss, another dirty front room to clean up, another load of laundry to put over, another sink full of used bottles to scrub, another banana to slice, but there is only one full time partner through it all.  For those of you on your own baby puzzle journeys (no matter where you are) take some time to remember that all parts of your relationships, your mommy roles, and daddy roles all need a little bit of nurture and care for.

And if I did not say it enough THANK YOU CRYSTAL AND SCOTT…

Thanks for reading.

Groundhog Day and Other Updates

It has been a while.  Life is busy with three children, which I am sure more than one of you could have told anyone so I am sharing nothing new.

It is Groundhogs Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow which means there will be six more weeks of winter which in Arizona means sixties, seventies and maybe some low eighties.  It is going to be a rough end to winter.

Growing up I loved the Groundhog Day movie.  Being a foster parent it seems like some situations are much like Bill Murray experienced.  We see many of the same things happen and no matter what we do to try to “correct” something it still happens just as it would have if we had done nothing.  If I wake up to “I Got You Babe” tomorrow morning I will certainly check my phone calendar to make sure it says February 3^rd.  Anyways… on to the updates.

A few weeks back all three of the little ones came down with a respiratory bug.  Having three kiddos all sick is no fun.  On that Saturday morning we went to an urgent care.  Cheryl went inside and did the paper work things.  I stayed in the car and had the kiddos watch “Frozen”.  Surprisingly this worked like a charm.  Cheryl came out and got us after about a half hour wait.  We went straight back and all three kiddos were set up with meds to put them on the mend.  For a solid week we were gave the kiddos those meds, it was like an assembly line.  I think, in retrospect, it would have been much more complicated if one kiddo had gotten sick at a different time than the others.

Over the last week and a half we have gone from a third non crawler to a full time crawler.  The little lady can go from one side of the front room to the other in less than a minute.  I think that she is going to have a career in search and rescue.  At the very least, she is pretty good at searching out and finding small pieces of things and cords and other things that she should not be grabbing. Pulling, eating or otherwise interacting with.    She is still not super great at sitting up, but we are working hard on getting that down.  It will not be too long before she is standing on her own and walking, which will be a whole different ball game.

Cheryl and I are still trying to get our schedule completely straight.  Three different visit times a week that seem to happen on different days and times each week I guess will really do that to you.  I think after this week all three will have parent aids.  In comparing the time timing of obtaining a parent aid with our last placement all three now took about half the amount of time as it did before.   Not really sure what that means other than it was quicker this time around.  I think maybe in part because of changes in the overall process and possibly also because of when our first placement came into care.

We will do better with the updates in the coming weeks.  Thanks for taking the time to read and the many kind comments we so regularly receive.

Home Visits

Last Wednesday I was sitting in front with the kiddos.  The two boys were playing with their blocks.  Ones had the bag slung over his shoulder the other had two in hand chasing the first.  The youngest was on the floor practicing her new skill, rolling.  Rolling is the best because it gets you places.  Every once in a while we throw in a pivot and half body turn.  None of these things are crawling, but we have started hold up our body and rock just like we need to in order to rock.  I looked at my phone 5:24, just about time to start the broccoli.  I walk into the kitchen and punch in 350 to start pre-heating the oven.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK I hear at the door.

Who could that be?  Well it is Girl Scout cookie season, might be one of the neighborhood kids trying to sell their share of cookies.  Or maybe another piece of mail sent to the neighbors address.  Or maybe Century link trying to sell us on a tv subscription.  I get to the door and open it.  Aw, it is one of the kiddos workers.  (But wait we are scheduled for next Monday)

“Come in”.  I look around at the piles of toys that had been played with for a short minute and then cast aside for another toy.  Dog toys everywhere.  Front room blankets in disarray.  “Please come in and sit at our dinning room table”.  Oh goodness breakfast dishes in the sink.  More dog toys on the ground.  “please sit, Cheryl isn’t home yet but will be soon, “ (well maybe not, she didn’t know about this visit either) “but we can get started.”

The worker and I sit and talk after a few minutes of me getting the kiddos set in their high chairs with a pre-dinner snack.  CPS workers had a page full of questions that they ask on their visits and in the middle of trying to get the kiddos set, put the veggies in the oven and answer questions I feverishly text Cheryl to see if she was on her way.  Twenty minutes or so of talking and answering questions Cheryl makes it home early (that’s right she was at worker super early).  Cheryl finishes up answering the workers questions while I cook our protein.  The worker leaves right as the protein is ready to be served.  Home visit successful.

Fast forward to this Monday.  Similar setting but a bit later in the evening.  I already have the kiddos in the seats and have dinner started and KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK at the door.  I know this time it is not the Girl Scouts or the neighbors or Century link/ Quest it is the other CPS worker.  She comes in and sits in the same seat and asks the same questions the previous workers asked.  The only difference is she was asking about the kiddo who we did not answer about the first night.  This time however, Cheryl was there.

In the future we are going to be better prepared.  Also, because the office of both workers is about 50 miles from our house, going forward we think that the workers will be trading off months.  We actually have a third separate home visit scheduled this month on the 17th, but this time by our licensing agency and not CPS.

Thanks for reading.

Choice

Cheryl and I are part of an engagement preparation ministry.  As part of this ministry, we talk to couples who are preparing to be married.  During the talking there are lots of different topics and themes are part of their preparation. Being a part of this group has been a strengthening point for the two of us.  Even the idea of being foster parents, in part, came from another couple who had fostered themselves who are also a part of this ministry.

Late last night and this morning I spent a little bit of time reflecting on one concepts of the weekend; the idea that loving your spouse is a choice rather than an innate reaction.  Moreover, the process that choosing to love is an essential part of the relationship.  The choice nurtures care and support and fosters devotion and respect.  It is that idea that I may not feel like I can do it, but I do it because I know it is needed.  As one other couple says “I may not like the decisions or actions, but I still choose to love.”

The choice to love is ever present in the choice to foster.  We have no innate connection to the children in our care.  They come to us “as they are” and how “as they are” we may never know the fullness of what that means.  We don’t have a movie with the highlights of their lives; we get second, third or fourth hand stories that so much of the time has a secondary motive.  Likewise, the accounts of devotion, care and concern that we express can be looked at with scrutiny by a myriad of people believing we would only say or do or think something because of our own selfish motives.  Even in the face of this perception, we must choose to love.  We have to keep the focus on the needs of the children even when we hear that others think the children are not our primary focus of care.

The outward signs of progress and development are our goal.  Getting over the illness, getting past the fears, learning to play nice and how to share shows the choices that are being made.  The kiddos in our current care have been here for a short amount of time, but the beginning developments are what keeps us plugging away.  We certainly are not perfect and do not know many of the answers to the questions that we have.

The best part of our choices are that they are not just for the kiddos, but the chance to show each other the love we choose to have for each other.  It is so hard to hear the “thank yous” or the “you all have such large harts” type comments because of the reward of showing my devotion and care for Cheryl.  If you have read the many blog posts from start to here you know that being foster parents is our chance, like many of you, to parent (unlike some of you that chance may not be present without the fostering).  We may not be the kiddo’s parents, but we are offered that chance to impart the same type of skills we might have if we had ever been graced with biological children.  Our choice to foster children is one way I show Cheryl I love her each day.

Empty Nesting…

Being an “empty nester” in your thirties is interesting to say the least.  It is not like our little ones grew up and went to college.  They won’t come home on the holidays.  They do not call and we cannot write.  It would feel weird to say that they have “passed” since we know that they are moving on into their lives.  The empty rooms still sit empty; beds/c ribs neatly made and ready to be slept in.  Toys still lay in their cupboards even though there is no one there to play with them.

One thing I can say for certain is the last 21 days (the amount of time they have lived away from us now), there is a lot of empty time.  Not really lacking in things to do because we always have things to do.  No, the time from 4:00 to 7:30 was family time.  Eating, playing, singing to bed… no more.  We find plenty of things to fill the time, but it is different.

A few days back Cheryl texted the kiddo’s mom and found out they are doing well, lots of good interactions through text.  Cheryl and I may even get to spend some time with them sometime this upcoming weekend.  I guess that it is a wait and see sort of thing, but at the very least it was a relaxing idea that things are going well at their home.

This last week Cheryl and I took a much need vacation together.  It was a vacation we started planning well before we knew the little ones would be out of our home.  On this vacation, we had a good chance to reconnect.  Connection is one thing that we found difficult to do as a new parenting couple.  Never enough time for it, but one thing that we found on our time away is that we have a good connection.  We spent lots of time experiencing new things and meeting many new people.  For our future this connection needs to be paramount.

On the fourth evening of our vacation we were at the dining room table and the waiting staff sang “That’s Amore”, such a romantic song for so many.  We had a tradition of singing the kiddos to bed and one of the “fave five” was “That’s Amore” for Little Man.  I looked at Cheryl and saw the sadness in her eyes.  We held hands and shared a moment missing our little ones.  After the song the people we were eating with asked something like “did you get something in your eye” and Cheryl responded (keeping that moment for just the two of us) “yes”.

We had spent time before the meal talking about what our next steps would be.  After the dinner we switched from “what” to “when”.  Knowing we could do nothing while away from home we enjoined the remainder of our vacation, still time for laughter and fun.  This morning (now a few days removed from our vacation) we are placing our names back on the “placement list”.  We are not looking to replace the kiddos.  There is no replacement for them in our hearts.  No, just as they are moving on to another part of their journey so are we.  Our roads have left each other, but the wears of our journey together will continue on for both sets.  Cheryl and I are confident that our hearts are still large enough for places for others.  We do not know where our path is headed, but today seems to be a new day.