Second Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of Cheryl and I accepting into our home two foster kiddos for our very first “parenting” experience.  Lots has changed in that time and I know that our lives are forever changed because of it.  We hope that the kiddos who have come to live with us for whatever length have had their lives enhanced from the time that they were with us.  Other parents would call this a “birthday”.  There was no birth.  I guess to the ones we have cared for and to my loving wife, I wish you all blessed foster day.

Update Following Court

Very quick update.

Today we had a court date scheduled for LR.  This was a pre-trial conference and we were told by the DCS worker and the GAL that there would be requesting a change in the case plan.  Instead of the proposed agenda we found a new judge.  The judge continued all of the agenda items because they are retiring soon and since there would be a new judge for the remaining parts of the case they pushed all of the items to August.    So in a short statement, the update that I alluded to before actually did not occur.

On another note “LR” stands for “little roo” like “kangaroo”.  Thanks for reading and the large amounts of continued support we receive.

A Valentine Mix-Up

Cheryl and I are involved in a number of things in our community both professionally and within the community at large.  Much of the time we are able to be a part of these groups within the context of our day, while the kiddos are at day care or while one of us is able to be at home with them as the other is not.  When the community group involves both Cheryl and I we have two options 1)’ making sure it is family friendly and we all go 2) finding care takers to take the kiddos for the time.  When it is the second option it is not as easy as picking up the phone and asking this family member or that close friend because the care givers have to have a minimal amount “security clearance”.

One such event (with option two) is coming up this weekend, yes over Valentine ’s Day.   Knowing of our needs Cheryl and I asked our licensing agency to help us find respite care way back at the end of December.  We had all the kiddos scheduled to go to our usual home.  About a week and a half ago our licensing agency emailed us telling us that the family we had scheduled with were no longer available and we were out of luck.

What did that mean for Cheryl and I?  Scramble time.

With only about two weeks before a Friday evening, all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday what type of person could we ask?  That short of notice over a weekend when something special is going on we will have to ask someone to re-arrange their plans.  So to answer the question we could only ask people who we thought would be forgiving that we would ask on such short notice and would still be willing to help out.  We reached out to our Engaged Encounter group (the community group we will be involved in this weekend), however because of the specialness of the weekend all group members are in the same boat as we are, helping with the weekend.  After them we had a short list of people and finally found our saving couple Crystal and Scott Bott who, because of the job backgrounds, meet the “security clearance” and were wonderful enough to rearrange their time so we can be there for 30 engaged couples.

One large topic that I don’t think Cheryl or I talk about enough on here is the need for personal and community time.  As we have gone through our baby puzzle journey some times that need gets pushed to the back burners.  There is always another diaper to change, another sippy cup to fill, another boo-boo to kiss, another dirty front room to clean up, another load of laundry to put over, another sink full of used bottles to scrub, another banana to slice, but there is only one full time partner through it all.  For those of you on your own baby puzzle journeys (no matter where you are) take some time to remember that all parts of your relationships, your mommy roles, and daddy roles all need a little bit of nurture and care for.

And if I did not say it enough THANK YOU CRYSTAL AND SCOTT…

Thanks for reading.

Procedure

This afternoon I left work as normal. Drove the distance from my work to Cheryl’s work to pick up her car so I could pick up the kiddos from daycare. Then drove to daycare and home. There is an art to getting three children into the house all at once without having to many fussyness.

Dogs fed… and changed into comfy clothes. Little lady is not enjoying her swing. How about tummy time? No? Really? Wet diaper… no? Oh you just want to rock. Luckily the two boys love playing, I can accommodate a good rock. My phone gently buzzes as I rock, rock, rock. “I am leaving in two minutes,” Cheryl reports. Yes a new worker all ready on the case is coming tonight. A few more sentences and … “Cheryl I need to go.” The younger of the two boys is on the floor crying. Looks like he slipped off his push bike.

15 minutes until our appointment. I know… let get dinner started. Juice… yes works like a charm for those tears. The two boys are on a BRAT diet still. Toast started. Fruit slice, slice, slice. A little turkey (not part of the BRAT but the doctor told us to add it in). Everything on the plate and served. Let me make a bottle, just in case the youngest wants her dinner.

Cheryl walks in the front door a few minutes later. A few minutes after that… a knock at the door. A new to us worker comes in. He quickly breezes through the questioned form. Not the kiddos worker… a replacement worker for the time being. He leaves within 15 minutes of arriving. A few more minutes to finish dinner. Little lady starts to voice her need for her dinner. I finish quick. To the rocker with a full six ounces I go with the little girl.

As I set down and start to feed her I hear more crying. Unusual for the timing, but not for the kiddo. I continue to feed, Cheryl works on baths… the crying continues. Minutes tick by and what was a simple fall from a push bike looks to be a larger problem. Cheryl and I decide that he needs to go to the Urgent care. She goes I stay to get the other two down. Finish feeding and burping and rocking… the youngest goes to sleep. A few quick songs and the oldest’s eyes grow heavy. To bed.

I text Cheryl. Nothing. 45 minutes I try to call. No answer. What is wrong. What happened. Another thirty minutes I get a call with a diagnoses. The hardest part is the way Cheryl is treated. They interrogate her. Question her like she is an abuser. She was not even there when it happened. Moreover… the kiddos fall on a regular basis. We respond quickly once we realized there was something wrong. It is just “procedure”. That is what they tell her.

Time now for healing. Thanks for reading.

Two in Two

Paperwork.  I think I made more than a few comments about the paperwork as we went through the pre fostering time.  It was extensive and tedious and extensive and tedious.  Once we had completed the classes and the home study and had kiddos in our home one would have thought, maybe, that paperwork would be all done.  However… we have chopped down another forest worth of paper since then.  New paperwork is required.  Car registration and health forms…

Notice to Provider.  In order to take foster children to see a doctor, or to daycare, or physical therapy, or most other places one may need to go, a foster parents needs to have a thing called a “Notice to Provider”.  This is just a simple piece of paper which states that we are responsible for them.  The interesting thing is, you don’t necessarily know when you might need another copy of it.  Being the brilliant thinker I am J I scanned the NTP and created a PDF which I sent to myself.  In one case we were able to use the email only in the many other times this form still needed to be in paper.  On more than a few occasions we found ourselves re-printing.

Documentation.  So many things need to be documented from monthly visits by CPS to doctors and physical therapy visits, and even the bumps and scrapes kiddos learning to crawl and walk receive.  If it happened and someone somewhere else might want to hear about or know about it the thing needs to be documented.  Luckily in many cases these pages and papers could be virtual and passed along through fax or through email.  A little bit of documentation at the time of any interaction goes a long way in making things run a whole lot more smoothly.  The most interesting thing is that even after the kiddos leave your care more documentation may still be needed/required.

Certificates.   Depending on the level of knowledge you have of Arizona’s foster care system you may or may not be aware that foster parents need to be licensed (which is not a bad thing).  You also may or may not know that foster parents need to complete trainings throughout the time in order to renew this license.  And you also may or may not know that even though the license is good for two years half of the required hours is due within the first ten months.  The tricky part for those with kiddos in the home, many of the trainings are not children friendly (meaning that while the adult needs to be there most trainings do not have a place for the kiddos to be).  This is especially difficult two foster parents who work full time.  Luckily for us some of the time can be done online.  We will hit our needed hours by the end of the day.

Two posts in two days; seems like this might be the calm before the storm.  Still no idea what lies ahead of us.  Thank you all for the many kind words and for taking the time to read.

Cycles

In nature things seem to happen in a circle – a cycle.  Much of that time a cycle of something is a predictable thing.  We depend on natural cycles far more then we think.  Something happens which causes the next thing to be triggered which leads to the next occurrence and so on until the first things happens again leading us back to start; like the start of a day or year – at some point we get to the same old thing by doing what had been done before.

Our fertile cycle is no different and for most months seems to happen as regular as the sunrise or summer following spring.  Last August/September this was not the case.  Instead of the normal 27/28 days the we are used to… we ended up with 47 and no BFP (positive).  The gynecologist that we have been seeing for the last six years at the end ”prescribed” me progesterone or really a synthetic type of progesterone.   After talking with family and then a family friend who is a pharmacist we decided to seek about a ND (naturopathic doctor).   With some of the things that she described we were led to our RE.

I share this story because this last month instead of 27/28 days we only went through a 24 days cycle (first off month since August).  No biggy right, we had already decided to take one month off before IFV treatments at the end of August.  But wait… no it is a biggy because the appointment that we had scheduled for Friday (what should have been day 9) now had to be done early—and just by chance we called our RE’s office to ask about something else, almost missed our window because of a hick up in this monthly cycle.

We made our way to the RE’s office after dropping into our ND’s office to schedule acupuncture for this coming Friday.  We arrived to the office about 15 minutes before the appointment and I checked in sat down and wouldn’t you know it I thought “every other time I have been asked to evacuate my bladder before all of the other procedures so… up to the front desk “I am going to step into the restroom in case the doctor is early.”  The receptionist responded “OK”.  I went and did my business and came back out and sat waiting to go in.  5 more minutes pass and one of the nurses came out and said “do you have a full bladder?”  I retorted “No, just took care of that.”   Nurse, “You need a full bladder for this process, chug-a-lugg”.  That’s right I hard to chug about 50 ounces of water in just about 15 minutes.

Back to the appointment room 10 minutes after the appointment time and they sit me down in vitals chair to take my blood pressure and sign a waiver.  Apparently, the HSG test shows my tubes, but does not give a clear enough picture.  Both tests if done on a pregnant woman would most likely lead to a miscarriage.  Waiver signed – obviously if we had conceived we would not be trying to again get pregnant.  Once in the procedure room and after the tests that were completed the doctor begins to explain to me about the importance of having a full bladder at the time of transfer.  At the start it sounded a whole lot like he had not been able to get a read or whatever he was looking for, but by the end I understood he was simply explaining the best practice to insure that the bladder is full in order to complete the transfer.  On a brighter side we found out that everything looks good.  It is nice to have a little good news along the way.

To come in near future blogs – ND appointment Friday and RE appointment on Saturday.  Also we about almost half way through this cycle which means another two and a half weeks before the starting month immediately before IVF.  Thank you for your support and for reading.

Butterflies and Jackrabitts

It is a gentle spring morning.  The hum of our Honda vibrates while the two of us sit in silence.  Thoughts racing in wonder of what would come.

Earlier in March we had sat in the same Honda with the same hum in silence.  Why?  We had just decided that our next course of action would be “IUI” and if that did not work “IVF”.  3 and 1.  That is 3 sets of insemination and one set of the more invasive in-vitro -fertilization.  Up to that point we had discussed insemination or adoption, but now a decision – our own genetics – god willing.

As we pulled off of the highway there was a sudden rush of nerves.  It was like “ok, today could be the day that I become a mom –  today is the day Nick might be a dad”.  That is an enormous thought; a thought that is played out for the rest of one’s life.  Most people have idea of about around the time it happens, but here we were.  It was this time.  We pull into our RE’s parking lot, a deep breath is drawn in –  it is time.

We walk into the waiting room, just a sole nurse sitting behind the desk.  Paper work first.  Nick fills out some brief information.  He places his name, the date “March 28, 2013” and his social security number on three stickers.  Sloppy – the numbers don’t quiet fit, but it will do.  After filling out the four pages of information the nurse gives back one of the papers and the three stickers to me. 

Again we sit, heart racing.  Now one other couple sits in the waiting area with us.  Quiet shrouds of whispers escape their lips and I swear my heart sounds louder than their whispers.  We were on time and now it seems like an eternity of listening to the butterflies chirp.   “Swoosh-squeek-squeek”  – “Nick”  Finally Nick is called back and me – left to sit out in the waiting room listening to the chirp chirp of butterflies.

Nick has left the waiting room… Will this work?  What will it be like?  What will we experience?  Will our baby be a boy?  Will our baby be a girl?  Will our baby be healthy?  What will the doctor have to say?  Will the IUI be painful?  Will this work?  Will I have a chance to see if my egg(s) have been released?  How long does this take?  Why are these chirps so loud?  I wonder what this other couple is here for?  What is Nick doing right now?  Why is so cold in here?  What will we experience?  Will this work???  Will this work?  Will this… “Swoosh-squeek-squeek”  

Nick emerges from the behind the door that he had left into while I listened to the chirping butterflies.  “Here,”  he hands me one of the three stickers that he had written his name, the date (March 28, 2013) and his social security number on.  Wait, where are the other two?  My watch tell me that there is more than an hour to wait for the second half of this appointment.  “Is there a Starbucks near by,” I decide to break the loud chirping with.

We drive to and from Starbucks.  Random conversation.  Nick described the room.  Ah… the other stickers ended up on a sheet of paper and the reception cup.  All of the random conversation still gets us back to the quiet waiting room with almost fifteen minutes to wait.  Now there are five people waiting.  The conversation between the two couples is too low to try to hear.  I can still hear the chirping of butterflies – so much waiting – so many questions – so many fears.  Will this work?

We are called back to a mid-sized examine room.   Cheryl leaves me to put on a gown.  Why do these rooms have to be so stark, so white?  What will the doctor do to Cheryl?  What is the process.  I know they said something about washing it, but what does that look like?  Cheryl comes back into the room, she looks so brave and ready to do this.  We sit in the examine room and my heart continues to thump harder and harder; I swear it sounded like a jackrabbit in my chest.  Cheryl had been a bit more quiet than usual today which made the waiting in that waiting room that much more … “knock knock”

“Good morning, Cheryl”.  I see the doctor come in – wait that’s not our doctor.  Why is he here?  Where is the person we had talked about this entire process? I thought … “Where is doctor J?” Cheryl interrupts my thoughts.  “He is not in today” says the strange unknown doctor.  I see Cheryl’s face go from nervous to wonderment and disappointment.  “It is pretty typical, we don’t always even have doctors come to the IUI treatment”.

“Wait!”  I scream in my head… the person we had put trust into would not be here for our day?  No time to show disappointment.  No time to argue the point.  NO!  I need to be here for Cheryl.

The strange unknown doctor describes the entire process.  “This is what a wash looks like”  THUMP THUMP THUMP   “Is this the same name and social security number”  THUMP THUMP THUMP  “There is going to be some pressure”  THUMP THUMP  “We wait just about three minutes”  THUMP  “Will you fill out this form while you two wait in here for 20 more minutes.”  THUMP THUMP  – Swoosh, Click.

Whoa… that’s it.  I could be a dad right now,  Oh my goodness, what all did he say, how can I help Cheryl?  What should I be doing right now?  Oh yeah the “survey”… so so so long.  No Cheryl that is why I am here.

Squeeck, scratch  mmmhp… the chair I am sitting in moves along the floor closer to Cheryl.

I stare into her soft blue eyes.  Her smile seems to glow in the low light room.  We sit exchanging smiles and short kisses.  The room seemed so sterile when we came in now seems to have a heavy heat of love and excitement.  This could be the moment.  Our lives could be changing.  We share 20 minutes in the moment of unified confident oneness.  Our hearts and souls where are ready together but in this instance that she shared, we could never take away.

The hum of Honda carried us home that late morning.  We were so excited, given directions that on April 11 we would know yes or no.  We listened again to the hum of our Honda twice more in the same way that we did on the March morning.  The chirping of butterflies and thumping of jackrabbits thundered the same way as they had.  We shared those same moments in that sterile examine room in unified confident oneness.  Our baby puzzle ended in negatives each time the same as the last months.  We continue on into July and August and September together with the confidence that we walk this journey together.

Appointment

Before the appointment thoughts:

This morning we woke up and decided to spend a few minutes out on the back porch. Anticipation of any upcoming event can cause some excitement, desire, fear, joy, really those butterflies. We sat with Marley and Curley and enjoyed the morning air. We sat down with a pen and a pad of paper to write down questions to ask our RE. The truly difficult thing is what can a couple really know to ask. We have only had one chance to meet directly with our RE and even with the list that we made that time I remember thinking afterwards that we knew a whole lot but still did not know everything we wanted to know.

We plan on asking about the complete process of IVF. What we should expect. What we will encounter. What procedures will come up. What types of diagnostic procedures will occur. I think we are looking for a timeline. With all of these questions I cannot say we will have a that full picture that we are looking for.

I think at the center at our questions is one thing. FEAR! We are in fear that we will do all of these things and have the same result as we have had. This emotion is validated, I believe. A good friend and priest told us as we were preparing for marriage, “every emotion experienced is a gift from God, it is not evil or bad, but an experience. Every emotion should be validated.” I think that our fear is not one of “we will not become parents” but rather the fear of let down and the unknown of how our parent story will happen. It is our journey and we know as much as we want something it happen in our own timing it is does not always occur on our designated schedule.

The above portion of this blog is being written before our appointment. We plan to write the next portion after we have a chance to ask the questions.

After the appointment thoughts :

Frustration : that was the first of many feelings which we experienced at our appointment today. Why? Lack of prior knowledge. When we arrived at our treatment facility we were hit with information that we did not expect and did not agree with. Once we straightened out the misunderstanding and miscommunication we were able to get back into “game plan” mode. One feeling that continues throughout this process is frustration because of a lack of knowledge. No matter how much investigation we do it seems that there is always a blind corner that we encounter.

Timeline : It looks like there will be a few diagnostic tests that we will be doing in July. At the first part of August the doctors will be “hitting the reset button” on Cheryl’s cycle. (the nurse’s words not ours) Mid August we will start the cycle with the end of August “pumping Cheryl up”, retrieval, and then implantation some time that first week in September. Obviously this is tentative and depends on other factors, but it is the basic timetable.

The big take away that we both have gotten from today is a renewed determination to be parents. After leaving the RE’s office we talked about our feelings and experiences. We talked about timing and “meant to-bes”. One quote from Cheryl was that she feels a draw or calling towards adoption with or without success in fertility. Nick shared the excitement of the timing of this fertility journey coinciding with our experiences with engaged couples.

So many things on the horizon and at the end, a feeling of both hope and of relief for the time being. We are now on to work with the Engaged Encounter couples in Tucson!